I just finished watching the BBC film 'Lennon Naked'.
Being quite a Beatles/John Lennon fan I felt it was something I should watch rather than something I thought would be great.
How wrong I was.
It was wonderful.
The premise of the piece was how John Lennon was abandoned by his parents and how he dealt, or didn't deal, with that reality. Probably the saddest part was how (because of his unresolved parental issues) he abandoned his own son Julian.
I'm not yet a Father although I hope one day I may be. Am I destined to pass on the things I didn't learn in my childhood? I hope not.
How does one respect the boundaries of another human being yet remain true to himself?
That's a question that I will ponder as I head to bed. Apart from the obvious lines about John & Yoko below the thrust of the song is also about me. Thanks John.
Isolation (John Lennon)
People say we got it made
Don't they know we're so afraid?
Isolation
We're afraid to be alone
Everybody got to have a home
Isolation
Just a boy and a little girl
Trying to change the whole wide world
Isolation
The world is just a little town
Everybody trying to put us down
Isolation
I don't expect you to understand
After you've caused so much pain
But then again, you're not to blame
You're just a human, a victim of the insane
We're afraid of everyone
Afraid of the sun
Isolation
The sun will never disappear
But the world may not have many years
Isolation
21/10/2011
Experiments With Honesty # 1 (How Old Is Too Old)
How old is too old to change?
I'm quickly approaching my 40th birthday and over the last few months particularly I've been trying to dig down deep as it were and understand more about my motivations and core beliefs. A core belief - my CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) counsellor told me - is a truth we believe about ourself usually formed in childhood.
One of mine that I've sort of known for some time now is a lack of love for myself. More than that though it's a belief that I'm simply no good. Perceived rejection at a young age and a plethora of abusers abusing me (both sexual and physical) probably has alot to do with that but how can it be changed?
No amount of people telling you that they love you can put a hole in this thick armour of belief. That usually just makes me cry as it's what I want to be true.
What I'm starting to realise is that I've lived the majority of my life (or at least as far back as I can remember) believing that nobody really likes me and that everybody, eventually, will leave me. That's a tremendously sad statement but its true. This came to my mind recently when discussing/debating/arguing about something with a few friends on Facebook. I'm constantly afraid that if I say the wrong thing or offend somebody with my opinion that they wont want to know me anymore. For somebody that loves a good debate that's a real pisser.
At the end of Good Will Hunting the character played by Matt Damon had his "moment" when somebody told him that something that happened to him earlier in life was not his fault. Matt Damon's character broke down and I assume the story point was to leave the audience thinking...he's OK now or...things'll be fine but that's more Hollywood than reality I think.
Is it possible that we get to a certain age where change is just not possible? Where these core beliefs are so ingrained into our consciousness that to throw them out is virtually impossible? That's what I'm thinking now and that's a proper bummer.
One thing's for sure...in my experiments with honesty I'll have to become far more selfish.
I'll write some more to my imaginary audience soon.
I'm quickly approaching my 40th birthday and over the last few months particularly I've been trying to dig down deep as it were and understand more about my motivations and core beliefs. A core belief - my CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) counsellor told me - is a truth we believe about ourself usually formed in childhood.
One of mine that I've sort of known for some time now is a lack of love for myself. More than that though it's a belief that I'm simply no good. Perceived rejection at a young age and a plethora of abusers abusing me (both sexual and physical) probably has alot to do with that but how can it be changed?
No amount of people telling you that they love you can put a hole in this thick armour of belief. That usually just makes me cry as it's what I want to be true.
What I'm starting to realise is that I've lived the majority of my life (or at least as far back as I can remember) believing that nobody really likes me and that everybody, eventually, will leave me. That's a tremendously sad statement but its true. This came to my mind recently when discussing/debating/arguing about something with a few friends on Facebook. I'm constantly afraid that if I say the wrong thing or offend somebody with my opinion that they wont want to know me anymore. For somebody that loves a good debate that's a real pisser.
At the end of Good Will Hunting the character played by Matt Damon had his "moment" when somebody told him that something that happened to him earlier in life was not his fault. Matt Damon's character broke down and I assume the story point was to leave the audience thinking...he's OK now or...things'll be fine but that's more Hollywood than reality I think.
Is it possible that we get to a certain age where change is just not possible? Where these core beliefs are so ingrained into our consciousness that to throw them out is virtually impossible? That's what I'm thinking now and that's a proper bummer.
One thing's for sure...in my experiments with honesty I'll have to become far more selfish.
I'll write some more to my imaginary audience soon.
17/10/2011
Why Fail?
Why is it that when things even remotely start to be positive that I purposely make myself fail.
I guess my opinion of myself is so low that failure feels safer than positivity and success.
If I were reading this about somebody else I'd think that was very sad.
Since it's about me I'll say...goodnight!
I guess my opinion of myself is so low that failure feels safer than positivity and success.
If I were reading this about somebody else I'd think that was very sad.
Since it's about me I'll say...goodnight!
26/11/2010
Tuition Fees
Let me say right at the start here to avoid any confusion that in principle I'm against tuition fees. I was against them when the Labour party introduced them and I'm against them now.
The LibDems made a manifesto promise that if they won the election outright they would abolish them.
They then went on to come third in the general election meaning (surprise surprise) that their manifesto promises became null and void.
We now have a coalition (something that I think is good: http://bit.ly/cQp68M) and therefore it's misguided at best and stupid at worst to say the LibDems broke a promise.
They didn't break the promise because they didn't win.
What's so difficult to understand about that?
The LibDems made a manifesto promise that if they won the election outright they would abolish them.
They then went on to come third in the general election meaning (surprise surprise) that their manifesto promises became null and void.
We now have a coalition (something that I think is good: http://bit.ly/cQp68M) and therefore it's misguided at best and stupid at worst to say the LibDems broke a promise.
They didn't break the promise because they didn't win.
What's so difficult to understand about that?
22/11/2010
Bible Editing
I recently saw a programme on TV called 'The Secret Family Of Jesus'. It was made by a guy called Dr Robert Beckford. There was a programme of his on around a year ago called 'Who Wrote The Bible?'. Both shows were eye opening, interesting & sort of scary in a way.
The premise in a nutshell of 'The Secret Family Of Jesus' was that Jesus' family beyond Mary & Joseph have sort of been edited out of Christianity. The premise of 'Who Wrote The Bible' is in the title. Though it should really have been called 'Who Edited The Bible?'.
There was a lot of time spent in both programmes about Mary Magdalene. Telling us how close to Jesus she was and how there's no proof whatsoever that she was a prostitute. That was the result of a slur campaign if you will because when the Bible was put together in the form we have it now and in Jesus' day i guess sexism was alot stronger than it is today. My use of the word sexism sort of shows that i'm a real novice on all this but I'm trying my best to find the right words. She also wrote a gospel that was left out of the final Bible. As did many others. What interests me is why certain gospels were left out? Could it possibly be that theologically they didn't fit with the exact dogmatic view of Christianity that the editors of The Bible wanted to share with the world?
You know how today if somebody wants to "share" something in Church they usually do it after consulting a leader or minister? If that leader or minister feels it isn't appropriate for whatever reason then it isn't shared. That's how it works and that's fair enough. What if the leader or minister is wrong? That is they felt whatever shouldn't be shared but God really had put it on the heart of the person wanting to share. What if the people that edited the Bible were wrong in what they chose to include or leave out? What if a different group of people had been chosen to do it? We may have a different Bible altogether which may just include The Gospels Of Mary Magdalene, Thomas & even Judas.
I'd love to know what anyone thinks on this. I guess the stock answer would be something like;
"God chose the people who put the Bible together & divinely inspired them to select exactly what's in there."
Except that sort of doesn't work with the apparent sexist nature of the treatment of Mary Magdalene. Anyway this post is turning much longer than I planned so I'll draw this to an end.
A question for thought would be, why do we put so much faith in the people that put the Bible together in the form we have it? Because when we refer to the Bible as the inspired word of God (the name the Bible uses for Jesus) we're putting our all in with these rather religious men we know almost nothing about.
Aren't we?
The premise in a nutshell of 'The Secret Family Of Jesus' was that Jesus' family beyond Mary & Joseph have sort of been edited out of Christianity. The premise of 'Who Wrote The Bible' is in the title. Though it should really have been called 'Who Edited The Bible?'.
There was a lot of time spent in both programmes about Mary Magdalene. Telling us how close to Jesus she was and how there's no proof whatsoever that she was a prostitute. That was the result of a slur campaign if you will because when the Bible was put together in the form we have it now and in Jesus' day i guess sexism was alot stronger than it is today. My use of the word sexism sort of shows that i'm a real novice on all this but I'm trying my best to find the right words. She also wrote a gospel that was left out of the final Bible. As did many others. What interests me is why certain gospels were left out? Could it possibly be that theologically they didn't fit with the exact dogmatic view of Christianity that the editors of The Bible wanted to share with the world?
You know how today if somebody wants to "share" something in Church they usually do it after consulting a leader or minister? If that leader or minister feels it isn't appropriate for whatever reason then it isn't shared. That's how it works and that's fair enough. What if the leader or minister is wrong? That is they felt whatever shouldn't be shared but God really had put it on the heart of the person wanting to share. What if the people that edited the Bible were wrong in what they chose to include or leave out? What if a different group of people had been chosen to do it? We may have a different Bible altogether which may just include The Gospels Of Mary Magdalene, Thomas & even Judas.
I'd love to know what anyone thinks on this. I guess the stock answer would be something like;
"God chose the people who put the Bible together & divinely inspired them to select exactly what's in there."
Except that sort of doesn't work with the apparent sexist nature of the treatment of Mary Magdalene. Anyway this post is turning much longer than I planned so I'll draw this to an end.
A question for thought would be, why do we put so much faith in the people that put the Bible together in the form we have it? Because when we refer to the Bible as the inspired word of God (the name the Bible uses for Jesus) we're putting our all in with these rather religious men we know almost nothing about.
Aren't we?
Rape Tale pt 2 (written in 2005)
The Police Constable who's been dealing with my accusation over the past year & a bit recently left a message on my answer machine. He informed me that the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) have decided that they wont be going ahead with prosecuting the man who raped me when I was a boy. The Police contacted friends I'd told about it & two people who've counselled me over the past few years but I guess that wasn't enough. I hope that didn't sound bitter or angry by the way because I'm not & me reporting this thing was NEVER about a day in court, revenge or justice. If, by the way you don't know what I'm talking about (or would care to read more) then please see the previous post of mine here. I'm not sure how I feel about it but will write more soon. Comments on this matter would be most welcome. Thanks for reading.
Rape Tale pt 1 (written in 2005)
Around a year ago one weird Monday morning I decided I should go round to the house where I was raped as a young boy. It was around the corner from where I grew up. I think I was maybe nine or ten when it happened. I could've been younger, I really can't remember. He was an older friend. Maybe two or three years older. It feels like a cliché as I write but we messed around with toys. Maybe I was younger. Shit I wonder if he was grooming me as they say. I've never even considered that until this moment. Is this to personal a thing to be putting on a blog? I don't know. I only set it up yesterday & I'm just doing what seems right.
I went round to the house and his Mother answered the door. I didn't recognise her. I said I used to have a friend live there when I was a kid and it turned out to be her son. He now lived separately with his family. This was 25 or 26 years ago. I passed her my phone number & said if she wanted to give him my details she could. I didn't explain why I was calling around, I described myself as an old friend. I myself wasn't quite sure why I was calling around. What if he'd answered the door?
From memory I may have been up all night. It could have even been the Oscars but my short term memory is bad. To much weed over the years. My biggest problem and vice. I'm smoking it as I write this. Anyway this isn't about that but I could have been smoking the night before I called. I was on the bus and for some strange reason it just popped into my head. I hadn't been thinking about it. I just got off and went straight to the house.
I was on my way to the Job Centre but after saying goodbye to his Mother after the briefest of chats I went to the police station to report it. Again I can't really say why. It seemed like the right thing to do. I was having counselling at the time and it had just started (I've recently come to the end of it) so maybe things from my childhood were fresh in my mind. I just remember it wasn't planned. There was nobody to talk to me so I left my details.
Later that day he called me. He left an answer phone message calling me Mr Tetley. Sounded strange. uneasy but I recognised his voice. He must have got it a few times because he said he didn't want to get the answer phone again. Sounded a tad controlling. Or maybe just pissed off. I don't know why he didn't leave the message the first time he got the machine. Why did he repeatedly call?
I called him back and said we were childhood friends. No mention of the rape. He said he had no memory before he was sixteen because of an accident or a breakdown. He was obviously suggesting he had no memory of me and asked if I'd mind if we didn't keep in touch. It was all very weird. I of course said yes and we ended the call.
I spoke to a PC who said it would probably come to nothing. I explained I wasn't doing it for revenge. I really have no bad feeling towards him whatsoever. While there may be parts of my personality that were forever changed that day I'd forgiven him along time ago. Later still someone from the sex offenders unit took my statement and then almost a year after the original visit to the police station, the PC visited me again.
The first time he'd visited me I'd been in bed around two hours & the place stank of weed. The second time he visited I was involved in a very similar practice. What must he think of me eh? Ironic that was. Anyway he asked if I'd get in touch with my counsellors & friends I told about the rape years before. I did and recently left this information at the station. Apparently the CPS want to check out the story a little deeper. He'd been interviewed and just said nothing. Took the fifth as they'd say in America.
I've always thought this sounds like an episode of 'The Bill'. Guy reports a rape 25 years after the fact. How will that unravel?
I've never wondered why I didn't just talk to him about it before going to the police. This wasn't simply about me easing my weight. Again I have no anger towards him whatever & I think if one is a paedophile then it's an illness. I don't know why all the anger & hatred towards people with this. "Kiddy fiddler" as Tommy called Martin on Corrie. Hmmm cultural.
Of course nobody wants there kiddy fiddled with. I never told anyone about it when it originally happened by the way, in case you're wondering why my parents didn't do anything about it at the time. They didn't know. And to think after this came out in my first attempt at counselling, through my local Elim church of ten or so years ago it was misunderstood to say the least. Other issues were allowed to cloud the fact that really shouldn't have. I think assumptions were assumed and when I left that church and the church I was moving to called to get the info on me (why the hell would they want to do that?) they were told I had "an abuse problem". Well done you Christ like soldiers. Maybe there's a forgiveness issue right there. It seems for some reason tougher to crack the church that made a mistake rather than the boy that made a mistake. Ongoing & exciting this fine life is. Everyday new and absolutely nothing to be unhappy about.
And now here I am. Wondering if I should even be writing about this. Not from the perspective of people knowing either. But I was lying in bed imagining if I'd actually have to face him in court one day. I think I sort of hope not. It'd be nice if he could admit it but I guess if he did that he'd be in trouble. That was never the intention. But it's a pretty scary thought. Though I know if it does come to that it'll be ok.
At least I'll be able to tell him face to face that I forgive him.
I went round to the house and his Mother answered the door. I didn't recognise her. I said I used to have a friend live there when I was a kid and it turned out to be her son. He now lived separately with his family. This was 25 or 26 years ago. I passed her my phone number & said if she wanted to give him my details she could. I didn't explain why I was calling around, I described myself as an old friend. I myself wasn't quite sure why I was calling around. What if he'd answered the door?
From memory I may have been up all night. It could have even been the Oscars but my short term memory is bad. To much weed over the years. My biggest problem and vice. I'm smoking it as I write this. Anyway this isn't about that but I could have been smoking the night before I called. I was on the bus and for some strange reason it just popped into my head. I hadn't been thinking about it. I just got off and went straight to the house.
I was on my way to the Job Centre but after saying goodbye to his Mother after the briefest of chats I went to the police station to report it. Again I can't really say why. It seemed like the right thing to do. I was having counselling at the time and it had just started (I've recently come to the end of it) so maybe things from my childhood were fresh in my mind. I just remember it wasn't planned. There was nobody to talk to me so I left my details.
Later that day he called me. He left an answer phone message calling me Mr Tetley. Sounded strange. uneasy but I recognised his voice. He must have got it a few times because he said he didn't want to get the answer phone again. Sounded a tad controlling. Or maybe just pissed off. I don't know why he didn't leave the message the first time he got the machine. Why did he repeatedly call?
I called him back and said we were childhood friends. No mention of the rape. He said he had no memory before he was sixteen because of an accident or a breakdown. He was obviously suggesting he had no memory of me and asked if I'd mind if we didn't keep in touch. It was all very weird. I of course said yes and we ended the call.
I spoke to a PC who said it would probably come to nothing. I explained I wasn't doing it for revenge. I really have no bad feeling towards him whatsoever. While there may be parts of my personality that were forever changed that day I'd forgiven him along time ago. Later still someone from the sex offenders unit took my statement and then almost a year after the original visit to the police station, the PC visited me again.
The first time he'd visited me I'd been in bed around two hours & the place stank of weed. The second time he visited I was involved in a very similar practice. What must he think of me eh? Ironic that was. Anyway he asked if I'd get in touch with my counsellors & friends I told about the rape years before. I did and recently left this information at the station. Apparently the CPS want to check out the story a little deeper. He'd been interviewed and just said nothing. Took the fifth as they'd say in America.
I've always thought this sounds like an episode of 'The Bill'. Guy reports a rape 25 years after the fact. How will that unravel?
I've never wondered why I didn't just talk to him about it before going to the police. This wasn't simply about me easing my weight. Again I have no anger towards him whatever & I think if one is a paedophile then it's an illness. I don't know why all the anger & hatred towards people with this. "Kiddy fiddler" as Tommy called Martin on Corrie. Hmmm cultural.
Of course nobody wants there kiddy fiddled with. I never told anyone about it when it originally happened by the way, in case you're wondering why my parents didn't do anything about it at the time. They didn't know. And to think after this came out in my first attempt at counselling, through my local Elim church of ten or so years ago it was misunderstood to say the least. Other issues were allowed to cloud the fact that really shouldn't have. I think assumptions were assumed and when I left that church and the church I was moving to called to get the info on me (why the hell would they want to do that?) they were told I had "an abuse problem". Well done you Christ like soldiers. Maybe there's a forgiveness issue right there. It seems for some reason tougher to crack the church that made a mistake rather than the boy that made a mistake. Ongoing & exciting this fine life is. Everyday new and absolutely nothing to be unhappy about.
And now here I am. Wondering if I should even be writing about this. Not from the perspective of people knowing either. But I was lying in bed imagining if I'd actually have to face him in court one day. I think I sort of hope not. It'd be nice if he could admit it but I guess if he did that he'd be in trouble. That was never the intention. But it's a pretty scary thought. Though I know if it does come to that it'll be ok.
At least I'll be able to tell him face to face that I forgive him.
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